I don’t know about you but I’m getting a little sick of this rain. I mean, c’mon haven’t we been punished and teased enough. Lest we forget the blissful months of Feb and March where it would hit 60 degrees one day and promptly snow the next day continuing that cycle for about 6 weeks. That was a little messed up but now we are experiencing a truly f-ed up bi-polar mother nature. Sunday: sunny and freezing ; Monday: Rainy and warm. Make up your mind already before I throw my Hunter boots along with myself out the window.
Rubber boots. The universal uniform for NYC women in the rain. This is one of the things that I have noticed during the rain…there is a uniform for women in rain. It consists in some way shape and form of women in rubber foot wear of some kind and a freakishly high rolled cuff like they just walked out of the freaking South Pacific. It is truly amazing because this uniform promptly throws out all fashion rules in a second. Apparently little drops of water (or at least majority wate
r) is cause to regress into the 4 year old stage of “I can wear whatever I want regardless of texture or color”. I am in awe of it. Mostly because I myself fall into this trap. Now take the Hunter wellie or the wellie in general. Some come in normal colors Thank goodness. However there is still the existence of the purple (er.. lavender) flowered boot or the bright pink plaid print. It is as though the rain reveals the Ricky’s shopper in all of us and we are just bursting to walk around in pink shoes made out of rubber.
I’ve also noticed that in rain, there are the umbrella people and the non umbrella people. I personally fall into the non umbrella category. The non umbrella crew are those in righteous denial about the fact that it is raining and do not desire to buy something that they know they will eventually lose or leave in a cab. They will last until they see the ark floating by and then and only then will they decide they need to take shelter. These are great people to have around when you are planning an outdoor event and there is the threaten of weather. We don’t care. And we usually convince some fence sitters that it isn’t raining that bad either, even as it dribbles down our foreheads. Then there are the umbrella people. These people react to the first drop of rain like they are 1st cousins to the wicked witch of the west and water brings out a nasty genetic flaw. These people will open an umbrella when walking under air conditioning vents (which I can’t really blame them for because the dribble off of those vents is one of the most disgusting liquids that you can have fall on you in NYC, but that’s another topic… ) These people also usually travel in packs which makes the whole umbrella thing, ridiculously problematic.
Which leads me to the reason I don’t like umbrellas. 1- they don’t do their job well. They are the equivalent of a Duane Reade middle manager. I mean, think about it, have you even been in the rain with an umbrella and been fully dry upon reaching your destination? right. see? The middle management of the “keeping dry” corporation. The pancho (which is another blog entirely as well) is really the CEO of of the keeping dry corp. but i digress…
wait, what was I saying? right. umbrellas suck at life. yep, there I said it. So my rational is why can carry around something all day that doesn’t do its job, smells when it gets wet and leaks everywhere? if I wanted that I would just have a dog…. or a baby.
The other issue I have with umbrellas is the sharing factor. I mean, yes, if you are one of those guys that somehow procures and carries around one of those jumbo sized golf umbrellas that basically covers the entire sidewalk then yes, by all means share with me. But if you have a shitty little vendor bought umbrellaette then thanks but no thanks (by the way, WHERE do those umbrella-ette vendors come from? Are they just waiting around with umbrellas in a cart for the first drop to fall? The just POOF! out of the sidewalk screaming UM-brellaUM-brellaUM-brella! like they are hawking peanuts at a Mets game)?
Anyway, so why do I not like to have/share umbrellas…
Height differential: try having someone who is 5’4 and someone who is 5’11 carry something above their heads? Funny, its not level? well same goes with an umbrella folks. And usually ends up with someone getting their eye poked out (usually the taller party and at 5′11 that would be me) or you eventually get more wet because you get the run off from some other jackass’ uneven umbrella next to you because you and your sharing friend both have half your body under the so-called water protection device.
Awkward hand holding placement: Have you even tried to carry on a conversation with someone while your hand/elbow was about eye level with them? I mean, I think about these things and I have been dangerous close to punching my friends/my mother in the face because of a crowded NYC sidewalk. I mean, how do you explain that…”uh, i mean, I got pushed and my fist went into your face um and you got wet and uh, crap sorry mom.”
Seriously, its far too much stress for me, I’d rather just show up to your party looking like a drowned rat. Because, let’s face it, compared to the chick in pink rubber shoes and the guy with the black eye, I’ll look pretty normal.
